The Final Countdown

So this is what it feels like to be 25. What is my quarter life epiphany you may ask? Heck if I know… what is the magical mystery and fun spontaneity of life if you have everything all figured out? I am only one more blog posts away from being back in America posh, I do know that, praise the Lord! Inshallah! Thank you Great Leader!

Some of my favourite students who graduated came to school and surprised me with a b-day cake!

My other PARTY cake... coolest cake ever.

I have also learned to appreciate God’s sense of humor… like when the wind blows my hair in the night, and I freak out and wake up thinking a rat is on my head, or when the termite swarm somehow gets inside my mosquito net and all stuck in my hair, or when a giant black millipede slithers over my foot. (I screamed look down flung it off my foot into the air, realized what it was and scooped it in a paper to release it) Or the fact that everyone’s hair is falling out here because of the water, which smells like poop every time I turn on the faucet.  Yes, so I have to bathe with smelly fart water. Or when I am already having the worst day ever and I slice my finger open trying to move my fan while kids are heckling me outside my window, or lastly, when my little sister tells me that the Lola granny is sleeping/sweating in my bed during the days while I am at school. It seems that this whole experience is even more difficult with the finish line so closely in sight… but then I think back to my worst day, when I threw up from heat stroke in front of my students then was forced boiling water to drink and rubbed down with vapo rub giving me a full body on fire rash... and I think maybe that things are not more difficult now, I have just finally lost my tolerance for the daily struggle.

I just don’t want to fake happiness anymore. I want to be excited to wake up to a new day, not dread it and want to stay in bed forever because my burrito eating/ sexy time/ flower field frolicking dreams are better than reality. I know a lot of that is my own mindset, and you might think I am a whiney brat, but unless you worked solo with no pay in a developing country far from home, family, and friends for more than a year, you can’t understand what it’s like. The loneliness and times of cultural isolation are indescribable and unbearable; almost half of my batch dropping out over the past years proves that. I feel so much hate build up inside of me every day and it terrifies me. I hate the teacher who always makes fun of my nose and skips her classes. I hate the student who beat up my sweetest Glee Club star student because he “didn’t like his face.” I hate the mosquitos, ants, termites, spiders, cockroaches, one of which is on my body every second. I hate having terrifying earthquake dreams and waking up so utterly alone. I hate the dirty old men who come here from abroad to have sex with children. I hate that families force their daughters into sex trafficking because they are all starving. But most of all, I hate myself for letting all of the useless and detrimental hatred build up inside of me. I know how bad it is, and I know I am the only one with the power to turn things around… but sometimes a girl has just gotta vent! The Philippines is a very flawed country, with corruption, nepotism, greed, and the Department of Education at the root of the problem. The hardest working people are the ones who struggle the most just to get by while the lazy rich get richer, a common world dilemma, but it sure doesn’t help here with all of the typhoons, landslides, and volcanic eruptions keeping things chaotic. The most depressing thing is that things won’t ever get better for the Philippines. Stay tuned for a deeper personal opinion analysis after I return home… once my emotions are in check… if that ever happens again.

“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” – Miriam Adeney

I did have an awesome dive with Harold and the gang a few weeks back. Just here in my Dauin backyard beach, in the muck sand area, we spotted 3 different seahorses (one of which was pregnant), a rare hairy frogfish, pink and white frogfishes, scorpionfish, and the magical flamboyant cuttlefish. Our dive ended up being 92 minutes long! I guess I have finally regulated my breathing because most tanks only last about 45 minutes. I love going out with those dive masters, and I realize how lucky I am.

The next week I discovered that we grow beautiful luscious spinach in out yard! We actually grow all sorts of cool things, chili peppers, mangos, calamansi (lemon/lime/orange hybrids), kamote (sweet potato), kalamunggay (horseradish), but the spinach is all over the place and never picked or eaten… until I told my host mom how healthy it is and how much I like it. I am seriously deprived of actual healthy green foods around here… pork fat and goat intestines don’t do my body good. Guess what was for dinner the next night? I walk into the house to find a giant plate full of individually four/egg battered and fried spinach leaves… I couldn’t help but laugh… to keep from crying… haha. Nicole smiled as she crunched, “I’m eating vegetables and healthy, yay!” Ohhhhhh sigh…. I didn’t have the heart to say that frying the leaves defeats the healthy purpose of eating it… but it was cute that they tried something new to make me happy.

Last night I drank wine out of my coffee pot, since all the cups are in the other house, and I tried to splash a giant spider with my tabo (that handle bucket I use to bathe) which resulted in the water flying backwards over my head at each time (3 separate attempts) drenching my whole hut…another movie humiliation moment. Peace Corps should have a reality TV show.

I have written this blog in moments over several different days, as you might be able to tell by the extreme mood shifts. I am really trying to turn it around and get my positive attitude and optimism back now. I only have 8 more weeks left in the Philippines, and I am going to cherish the rest of this adventure. I will never be more young and alive than I am at this very moment.